Okay, everyone who wants to go vacuum shopping, raise your hand!

   I was happily vacuuming the house the other day, when I noticed a faint rubber smell. As I proceeded to push the machine back and forth, the aroma increased. By the time I finished my chore, the house smelled like a tire factory. Grumbling I put the vacuum cleaner in the utility closet. As I climbed the stairs back to the main level of our house, I noticed that some areas of the carpet didn't look like I had vacuumed, but rather taken bits of dust and debris and moved them to other parts of the room. The writing was on the wall, or rather on the carpet. I needed a new vacuum.

   I know what you are thinking right now. All that machine needs is a change of the bag and a new belt. Except there is more to it than that.

I hate the vacuum.

I would rather replace the vacuum.

With a new lawn mower. 

   Preferably a riding lawn mower, with a cup holder and a super fine mulching blade. Hey, with one of those, I could vacuum alllll day! Heck, I would vacuum twice a day. Who could blame me? I mean really, take a

look at this vacuum. Who could love a vacuum like this? Well, if you can, it's all yours. Just come and get it. I will even throw in the extra bags. I have decided that I am done with it. But what to replace it with? It looked as if I were going to have to do a little research on what I needed/wanted from a vacuum cleaner.
 

I began by looking at the features on my current vacuum cleaner: 

• My current vacuum has a back-saving handle grip. I think that is the curve you see. Not sure who's back it is supposed to save. That sucker is heavy and I have three sets of stairs to lug it up and down. Pushing it back and forth can be a chore. The helpful little carry handle in the back is placed way too low to actually carry it. That is, if it were not too heavy to carry. Worse yet, there is no cup holder located anywhere on the machine.

• The vacuum has a hose that pulls out of the base and can be fitted with accessories (handily stored on the back) to do quick cleaning of blinds, corners and other stuff. Unfortunately, I lost most of the accessories (or never had them in the first place - this is a hand-me-down vacuum). Not that I would actually use those accessories. Moreover, the "handy" hose has developed a habit of popping out at random times and I spend more time putting it back in the base than cleaning those hard to reach spots. About the only time I use the hose is around the baseboard by the bird cage. I would rather the vacuum had super sucking power to avoid having to use this feature at all.

• The vacuum cleaner also has (or rather had) a filter. Awhile back, the filter fell off. Looking to replace it, I searched stores and scoured the internet. I did manage to find a replacement filter online, but thankfully it was out of stock. My vacuum did not come with a defibrillator. To be honest, I have not noticed any difference with it missing.

• The vacuum model I have been using also has a carpet level knob that lets a person adjust the height of the cleaning head. This is pretty useless as it doesn't actually pick up dirt at any setting other than low.

• My current vacuum takes bags. Which is a HUGE plus. The bags are pretty standard size and fairly easy to find in stores. It is not particularly easy to change the bags, but way better than the canister vacuum that I had before. With the canister vacuum I had the added chore of washing out the canister. EVERY TIME I VACUUMED. If I did not, I was simply redistributing dirt around the carpets in my house. Heaven forbid I wanted someone else in the family to vacuum, like one of the kids, because they sure weren't going to wash out the canister before or after vacuuming. Bags require none of this work. 

   With these likes and dislikes in mind, I began my search on the internet to try and get a feel for what was available in today's vacuum market. I noticed a few things immediately.

1. None of the vacuums had cup holders. Obviously manufacturers have overlooked this as a selling point.
2. None of the vacuums were self propelled. Lawnmowers in the same price range were self propelled. Heck, I could get a riding lawnmower for the cost of some of the vacuum models I was seeing. With a cup holder.
3. Canister vacuums tend to be a bit cheaper. I figure that is the only way they can con the unwary into buying one, as no one in their right mind adds extra work to their day. 
4. I could not find a vacuum that had a major crap setting for picking up things like kids shoes, stray barbie dolls, socks and mail left on the stairs. 

   After a while, I starting getting internet dizzy. I was looking at robotic vacuums which were pricey and still required you to have a "regular" vacuum for deep (real) cleaning. There were backpack vacuums, just in case you were going to hike the Appalachians and felt the urge to clean as you go along. Vacuums with rechargeable batteries that resembled weed whackers. Miniature vacuums to plug into your computer and vacuum your keyboard (hey, the bird might like one of these!), vacuums shaped like animals, vacuums for cleaning your dog and for cutting your hair. Would you believe there are even vacuum shoes? And why are all the pictures of vacuums on smooth and shiny floors instead of carpet?

 I broke away before I started viewing cute puppy videos.

   It looks as if I am either going to have to go vacuum shopping (in an actual store) or pull up carpet through the entire house and refinish the hardwood floors.

   Guess I had better start designing a cup holder to attach to the new machine.