Flat Lander Beware!

   This past Labor Day, we celebrated the holiday with our relatives at a family barbecue. We enjoyed both good food and good company and spent our time catching up with events in our lives, looking at vacation photos and swapping stories about our summer vacations. Our hosts, had pictures and stories of their vacation in the Smoky Mountains. A number of years back we had taken the same trip with our then infant daughter. When comparing stories of the two trips, there were a lot of differences.

• They enjoyed scenic vistas along the Blue Ridge Parkway. I still refer to this stretch of road as the White Knuckle Parkway. Apparently this road is more enjoyable when there are no hurricane force winds and driving rain. Who knew?

• They loved touring the house and grounds of the Biltmore Estate, but unlike us, they did not get a 50% off discount on ticket prices due to the wine cellars and half of the estate property being underwater. They also visited Asheville, NC, which we did not on account of the road being closed and the river running through the middle of town.

• They went horseback riding. We had an infant. No way!

    There was however, one experience that resonated with both families - the hiking trip! Their talk about their trail experience sounded somewhat similar to ours and brought back a flood of memories.  I remember when my husband and I were preparing for our trip, booking campgrounds, packing food and planning excursions. Anticipating that we would want to get in touch with nature, we purchased a book to help us pick the right hikes to take, ones that would not be overcrowded and yet not too difficult for us. We readily recognize that we are "Flatlanders" and that any elevation over 100 ft can be considered a mountain in our estimation, so we wanted to plan accordingly. Having been in the Rocky Mountains on previous trips, we understood that elevation, distance and physical capabilities had to be taken into account. With this in mind, we purchased Day and Overnight Hikes in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park (second edition).

   The book had a great introduction. It noted that the best way to "break into" the Smokie's back country was to take day hikes. The book was well laid out. Directions to trail heads were clear. Hikes were divided into day hikes and overnight trips. There were trail descriptions of what you could expect to see, simple maps showing the hiking trail, and best of all, each hike had a rating level that included Scenery, Difficulty, Trail Conditions, Solitude, suitability for Children, Distance and approximate time it would take to Hike. Exactly what we needed to plan a hike or two that we could enjoy.

   First, we tossed out any idea of an overnight hike. I liked to camp, but only if it involved a camper with heating, air conditioning and a potty. Sorry, just not a roughing it type of gal. Besides, who would carry all my gear? Remember we had an infant, so we were already carrying her in one of those great baby backpacks. Thankfully she was breast fed, so there were not bottles or formula to haul along with her. Having decided that Day Hikes were the way to go, we picked out a few with low difficulty ratings and relatively short distances. We knew that a short distance in our native flat lands and a short distance in the mountains were two totally different experiences, even for those in great physical condition.

    Feeling confident that we had done our homework thoroughly we embarked on our vacation and looked forward to hiking during our trip. For our first hike (if memory serves me right), we picked the hike which had a low difficulty rating (two star), a short distance (3 miles) and was rated for children (four stars!) - Sutton Ridge Overlook. Scenery was highly rated, and it was noted as a moderate hike to a great view, with a hiking time of only 1 hour 45 minutes round trip. Both us being in good shape and having done flat distances of triple this mileage, we estimated that would should be able to hike in about a five hour window, including a picnic. We took plenty of food, water and diapers, as well as sunscreen, hats, insect repellent, lightweight rain gear and a small first aid kit. We just weren't taking any chances, and we hadn't even gotten to the part of the trip that included hurricane winds and flooding!

  We started out merrily enough. The weather was mild, the sun was shining and the trail was well shaded. The solitude rating was accurate, definitely quiet, we were only passed by one or two other hikers who gave cheery encouragement, telling us how great the vistas were ahead. The trail had begun to climb, but was not too steep or difficult. Our baby was happy. Well of course she was happy. She was used to being toted around in a backpack and spending close time with her parents. And she didn't walk yet.

   In retrospect, I often wondered if guide book writer had kids. He noted that trail as ideal for families or anyone who wanted to get a rewarding leg stretcher. I can't imagine taking this hike today with kids who drink all their water in the first twenty minutes then have to pee (but don't want to do it in the woods) and discover that they are starving since they haven't eaten in weeks. I have often wondered how parents who have read this book cope with the serious stress of youthful legs that can't take another step after walking for about an hour and insist that they just want to lay down and die or be carried. Perhaps if my daughter had been older, I would have been more wise to the descriptions touted in this book.

   After about two hours of hiking (stopping only to feed baby, change a diaper and take a pee in the woods), we still had not achieved any vistas. I wanted to eat, lie down or be carried. I was pretty sure my last meal had been several days earlier. We were munching on snacks and looking over a trail map to see if maybe we had gotten lost on our uphill ascent and perhaps mistakenly taken another trail when one of the hikers that had passed us earlier stopped to chat. He was on his return trip to the parking lot. He assured us that we were on the right trail, but still had a little ways to go yet, we were about half way... SERIOUSLY? As the gentleman waved good bye, we looked at one another. Were we that out of shape? My husband estimated that our fellow hiker was about thousand years old, but perhaps he had gotten his stamina from crossing the country with the first settlers. We forged ahead on a trail that was steadily getting steeper. I was questioning the moderate description of this hike. Our baby, fed and content, fell asleep. If only I could do the same.

   Forty five minutes later, we came across a vista. Which was a good thing, since hiking uphill was not going to be an option much longer. It was not "THE" vista we had been aiming for, but there was a place to sit down and eat lunch and enjoy a view. Our daughter woke up, shared our lunch and played with us. We relaxed.

   After regaining enough strength to stand again, I searched around in vain for an elevator. I also wished that there was at least a port-a-potty as I was starting to think that I had peed in poison ivy earlier. (It turned out to be just unfortunate mosquito bites.) We both agreed that we were ready to return to the truck, this vista was good enough for us.

   So we stowed our trash in our backpack, hoisted the baby up and began our downhill decent. After I skidded down a particularly slippery part of the path and twisted my ankle, we decided that it would be best if my husband carried our daughter.
   I broke out a wrap from the first aid pack, tightened the laces on my faithful hiking shoes that thankfully gave me good ankle support and stoically hobbled along. As the day advanced, I now began to question whether taking a trail known for its solitude was really such a good idea. If the crowds we encountered were any indication of how often the trail was traversed, who knew how long it would be before someone found our wasted bodies lying in the middle of the trail. My daughter, unaware of my morose mood, happily babbled from her perch on daddy's chest.

   When we finally made it back to our truck (our total hike time was about 5 1/2 hours, not far from our estimated hiking time), we tossed the guide book, went to dinner and decided to stick to the nature trails and overlooks accessible via a short walk from the parking lot. Despite having done a lot of walking prior to our trip to work up to hiking in the mountains, we just weren't ready for yet another excursion.

   Listening to my relatives, it sounded like they too had discovered that the Smoky Mountains are much steeper than they appear. I believe their excellent physical condition (and possibly the fact that they were not hauling around a five month old baby) saved them from becoming another set of bones found along the trail as warning to unwary tourists.

   I have decided that I might write a book to help families like mine discover the outdoors. It will include all the best trails that can be hiked in thirty minutes or less and have complete descriptions of port-a-potty conditions and distance of these facilities from the trail. I will include maps to local area restaurants, scenic overlooks that can be accessed by car as well as estimated time it takes for toddlers an young children to become bored and have a meltdown. I will only include well traveled paths where they will encounter countless other individuals who might be able to get assistance when they are about to expire along the way. I think I will title the book Nature Trails.