It is that time of year when we reflect on our lives and give thanks for all the wonderful things that we have been given. In our reflection, we should consider not only all the trials and tribulations that we have encountered, but also all the joys and blessings.
Turns out, I am not all that thankful. Don't get me wrong, my life has not been horrible over the last year. Although there has been much stress and strain in our day to day lives, there have been joys and blessings sprinkled in abundance. I have eaten great food, played in the sun, relaxed in the shade, and enjoyed the company of fantastic friends and family. I have a roof over my head, clothes that keep me warm and plenty to eat. My family has had pretty good health and there have been no rides in the back of an ambulance to local emergency facilities. I am surrounded by warm and loving people. Yet, I am not particularly thankful.
Sounds pretty horrible, doesn't it? But the definition of thankful is "feeling pleased and relieved." I am just not feeling it. What I am feeling is a bit frustrated. Somewhat grumpy and a little angry. Unhappy with my current status. Maybe a bit selfish. And a touch of a headache.
I still give thanks to God every morning and every evening for the gifts in my life. I know that I am so fortunate to have so much when others have so little. I just don't feel all that pleased and relieved. And I worry, is that wrong? Does that make me ungrateful, spoiled and unappreciative?
Imagine my surprise when I heard the words today during bible study that I don't have to feel thankful to give thanks. That it is by grace that I give thanks. And that grace is enough. Maybe I feel a touch relieved now. With this enlightenment, I found the answer to some of my questions. No, I am not ungrateful. I am actually very grateful for all the wonders and gifts in my life. Being grateful means feeling appreciation. I feel appreciation for all that has happened to me in the past year (yes, even some of the crappy stuff). Appreciation is recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something. I fully enjoy the good qualities of the people that surround me and continue to be amazed that these people are in my life at all. Maybe I don't always understand the full worth of something that has happened, but I do know that each event that has occurred is part of a bigger picture, the width and breadth of which I may not ever be able to see from my limited perspective.
Thank heavens my limited perspective doesn't define the world. I fear it would be a rather small and empty place if it were so. I give thanks for what I have experienced, the good and the bad, all of which have helped me grow as an individual. I have learned not only how to be a stronger person, but more importantly, how to accept my weakness and dependence that plays a part in the lives of others. I give thanks for the people in my lives, those that have helped me, supported me, annoyed me and provoked me. Without them I cannot hope to strive to be the person I was meant to be.
I am grateful that I heard those words on a DVD at bible study today. They remind me that I am human and don't have to have superhero powers, look a certain way, act a certain way or feel a particular way. That it is okay to feel frustrated, grumpy, angry, unhappy and a bit selfish. I think I better understand the words of Paul in 2Corinthians 12:9 when God's answer to his prayers is "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak."
Last week I was given a Gratitude (blessings) Journal. I thought this was to be a place that I was going to record all the wonderful things that had happened each day in my life to help me feel thankful for all of God's works. I thought it was to help me recognize everyday blessings so that I didn't walk around angry and grumpy like a spoiled child. However, turns out this gift was something greater. With my morning Epiphany, I now know what to do with it. It is not just a place for recording all the terrific things in my life that ought to make me feel thankful, but rather it is a time and a place to jot down feelings and contemplate a deeper appreciation for the world around me. Even the part of it that isn't so great and makes me feel crappy. Thank you Beth.
I may not feel relieved and pleased, but what I have is gratitude, appreciation and grace. And that is enough.
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