A case of Teenagers

 

The door to my daughter's room is closed all the time. 

  Evidently I'm not supposed to open it.

   Morning are later than usual. I keep finding empty glasses and dishes everywhere. All the lights are on in every room of the house, all the time, as if we were running a lighthouse. I'm missing clothes, jewelry, shoes, tights, even jackets. My IQ seems to have dropped and there is often a vacant stare behind my eyes accented by frequent bouts of inane questions like "Did you pick up your socks?" and "Have you brushed your teeth?"

It seems I've contracted a case of teenagers.

   I'm told it's not serious and that it usually passes... in about ten to fifteen years, after which I should regain my normal IQ. In the meantime, I simply have to suffer with the symptoms:

• Lack of floor in said teenagers room.
• Lack of hot water in the house.
• Late mornings - or possibly even early afternoons before anything gets started.
• Repeating myself.
• Last minute requests for needed items such as soap, hot chocolate, permission slip forms to be signed, rides to friends houses and groceries.
• Thimble full of milk in the refrigerator.
• Socks at the front door.
• Repeating myself.
• Piles of shoes at all entrances.
• Watering can left in the middle of the yard.
• Repeating myself.
• Text requests for blueberries while I'm out with friends.
• Stuff left on my desk/bed/dresser/convenient flat surfaces that I asked to be put away.
• Large electric bills and increased frequency buying light bulbs. (I sure hope those ships appreciate safe passage!)

Did I mention I repeat myself often? It's hard to remember once your IQ starts to drop.

   I comfort myself with all of the good things that come with having teenagers. For one, they know EVERYTHING! Who needs Google, Alexa or Siri when you have a teenager? I recommend there should be at least one in every household. They don't even require WiFi to provide you with the answers, although I have found they use up quite a bit of bandwidth.

   Most teenagers at some point can drive! Miss an ingredient for dinner... send a teenager to go get it for you. Need something dropped off? Just jangle your keys. Forgot to gas the car up? No problem, just hold out your keys and credit card. My teenager is just about to enter the drive stage, so I'm pretty excited.

   Teenagers can be pretty damn funny too. My teenager is equipped with a wicked sense of humor and a fairly quit wit (if you can get past the chicken butt joke). For example, the other day my teenager told me how self-sufficient she is. My sides hurt and I'm still wiping away tears.

   

Another added perk...Teenagers can mow lawns!

   Way cool since my last lawn mowing experience involved a sprained ankle. Note proper attire of jeans, gloves and shoes to do the job. I'm patting myself on the back on this one since today she mowed the lawn without even being prompted! I may need medical treatment for a broken arm later.

   On top of all this, I've discovered teenagers also have unique skills that are effecting the evolution of the human species. I have a teenager that can eye roll all the way back into last week! If she were reading this right now, she would be reading it out of the back of her head. Impressive, right?

   Fortunately, my case of teenagers doesn't appear to be serious. I'm told my public teenager is well behaved, social, and quite nice. I haven't had the opportunity to see this, heaven forbid we appear in public at the same time, but I have credible sources. At home there's not much sass these days (I attest this to my skills with a Nerf gun) and eye rolls are kept to a minimum. We have already located the floor in her room (well, most of the time) and she only has to be reminded to practice her instruments three or four times a day. There are three or four instruments, so I guess the ratio is one to one. The teenager hangout downstairs (formerly the playroom) is also presentable even if there are occasional stray glasses or bowls. We have also made progress in introducing her to the dishwasher, so there are fewer plates in the sink next to said appliance.

Now if I could just find my shirts....