Nailed it!

 
   Today I asked my teenager to mow the lawn. It seemed like the perfect day for lawn mowing, not too hot, not too cold and not too wet. Her schedule wasn't especially busy either, so it seemed like a good opportunity for her tackle this chore. It had been over two weeks since the last time she did her "Weekly Mowing Chore."

   I haven't been too fussy about chores since school started this week, however this one I wanted done before we had more rain and the grass had time to grow all the way up to my knees. Mind you, this isn't a great distance by any stretch of the imagination, but I didn't want to have to start taking a machete with me to go collect the mail. It's a matter of principal and the grass was getting high enough that the wildlife was beginning to see our yard as a refuge.

Okay, so I exaggerate a little bit...

There weren't any actual deer in the yard, but I was expecting one any day.

   First I was met with excuses and arguments. When I failed to be moved though debate, she changed tactics and promised me she would mow tomorrow. I was not to be swayed. I've had two weeks of tomorrows which were inevitably filled with rain when they finally arrived. There wasn't any rain in the forecast, but I wasn't taking any chances. Besides, I didn't want to ruin the church picnic, and if she didn't mow, it was sure to rain.

After this she flat out told me she was NOT mowing the lawn today.

As you might have guessed, this went over really well with me.

 
   Fifteen minutes later, the shed was unlocked, the mower had gas, and properly attired, the kid was pushing said mower over the long grasses waving in the late August breeze. At least she didn't try to contend the dress policy we have requiring jeans, gloves and athletic shoes to mow. Not that she would have won that argument either. I'm not a parent to be trifled with.

   In the book I recently finished writing, her doppleganger wound up being left on another planet.

She's lucky I don't actually own a spaceship.

   To hide my joy at parental victory, I decided to vacuum the living room and dining room. That's when I realized my vacuum had a nail in it. Not a small nail either, but a rather large four inch nail. I'm not entirely sure just how this nail got there, but I thought it might be a good idea to take it out, just in case I tripped while vacuuming and accidentally impaled myself on it. It could happen. If you've ever seen me in action, you would understand.

   Unfortunately, the nail was rammed through the plastic suction pipe from the inside, making it impossible for me to simply pull out.

   I found it puzzling. To achieve its current position, the nail had to travel through two tight bends then turn itself sideways in order to pierce the tube wall, all of which is physically impossible based on the size of the nail and the dimensions of the piping from which it emerged. In order for me to remove the nail without doing a great deal of damage to the plastic pipe (or comb through the garage for metal snips) I would have to break the same pesky scientific laws that said it was impossible for the nail to be there in the first place. While this scientific dilemma doesn't actually trouble me too much (I like to write science fiction, so I bend the properties of physics all the time and I'm fairly certain the scientific community would roll their eyes at me), it was certain to take up more time than I was willing to commit to nail removal.

   I opted instead to empty the debris canister, vacuum carefully, and put it put the appliance away so I could go outside and admire my freshly mowed lawn. I would deal with both the nail and scientific laws at some point in the future. This option proved to be infinitely more satisfying than searching the garage for a useful nail removing tool and working on my vacuum.

Life is good, if sometimes a bit odd. Looking at my beautifully mowed lawn, I'd say I nailed it!

Electrical tape and Male Bandaging

  So my husband comes home from work the other day with electrical tape wrapped around his finger. Since I'm the person who generally doesn't ask questions to which I don't want the answers, I studiously ignored the tape darkened extremity for sometime before curiosity finally got the better of me and I asked: What's up with the tape on your finger?

   The answer - I cut my finger.

   Well of course he did. I should have known, after all, electrical tape is the go to solution when you cut appendages. Right up there with using gaffers tape to fix a hole in your pants. Silly me.

Maybe it's a man thing. When I cut my finger I usually use a band-aid.

   I was informed that electrical tape was the perfect solution. After all, it did stop the bleeding and he didn't have to interrupt what he was doing to go look for a band-aid. Besides, electrical tape is hypoallergenic.

WHAT???

   Okay, that was a new one on me, but then again, there are a lot of things I don't know (don't tell my husband). Naturally, I couldn't take his word, I had to look up if electrical tape really was hypoallergenic. According to Google, there is no evidence that electrical tape is hypoallergenic. Furthermore, Zachary Ljubicich, Master of Ceremonies at Empaths Incorporated  (the expert Google directed me to on matters such as these) explains that tape actually can be toxic - if you were to say, wrap yourself as a mummy with it. Not that I've ever considered wrapping myself as a mummy using electrical tape (or any other kind of tape for that matter), but just in case the notion strikes your fancy, it's not a good idea to use tape as mummy wrapping on a live human being. Moreover, he warns that tapes can "prevent your body from swearing in the areas of application." 

   Yes, that's what it said. Google it yourself if you don't believe me.

I was ecstatic. I've been trying to cut down on my swearing, now it seems the solution was within my grasp.  I went out in the garage to grab some tape.

   We had all kinds of tapes, but sadly, no electrical tape. So I settled for the cool green stuff instead. Carefully I taped my fingers to see if it would prevent me from swearing when I typed.

WTF?

   Holy crap, it worked! Who knew? As you can see above, all I could manage to type were the initials to my favorite swearing phrase. If simple green tape could do that, imagine what electrical tape might do...

   I began to dream up all kinds of applications for tape. Like putting tape on my cell phone. Auto correct is constantly changing words in my texts to ones I do not intend, and being the lousy proof reader I am, messages often get sent with the wrong connotation. Since my phone already boasts of several cracks,(including the crackpot using the phone) taping might serve more than one purpose.

  Encouraged, by what I had learned so far, I continued reading the information provided by Master Google. It read: "this could have a very negative effect on your health if used in a location that is supposed to sweat out toxins."

   Well f#@k that. The whole reason I swear it to get toxic thoughts and ideas OUT of my head instead remaining stuck inside my brain which is already filled with bad ideas and not so safe suggestions. 

   Further research on electrical tape also informed me that some brands of vinyl electrical tape come with a warning: This product contains one or more chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash hands after handling.

Which makes me wonder, why is it only known to the State of California?

   Soooo anyway, back to the conversation with my husband... He decided while we were discussing the tape on his finger that he probably should pull it off. He did and it promptly began bleeding. I told him that the tape probably wasn't such a good idea after all since the adhesive appeared to have stuck to his skin and pulled the cut open when he pulled off the tape. I suggested next time he put something over the cut before taping it, like gauze.

   He dismissed the notion with a laugh, asking me who was going to carry electrical tape and gauze?

   Why do I even try?

Nosey Parenting

   I recently read a post that intrigued me...

What is the oddest thing you have done as a parent?

   Parents and children alike shared their experiences. There were some pretty funny comments as well as some that had me raising an eyebrow. I like to think of myself as a good parent. I'm involved, supportive, a little strict, and eyerollingly embarrassing - all things I believe make up good parenting. However after scrolling through the stories, I came to the conclusion I was also a really boring parent.

   Just when I was starting to worry about my classification in the parenting world, I was reminded of an incident that set me straight. Well several incidents, actually. Apparently I have a plethora of things I have done over the years that could be construed as odd. I hadn't thought of my actions as odd at the time, but in retrospect, perhaps maybe some were a little on the unusual side. At any rate, it meant I was definitely not boring. After all, I did kinda go ballistic over Kleenex.

Kleenex. 

   Sure, everyone has Kleenex in their house. A box of relief for a stuffed up nose. Relief that doesn't have to be folded and shoved in a pocket and washed at some later time after it has become crusted and hard. It's a household fixture with numerous brands available for the discerning nose. Have you ever tried taking a used hanky from a kid's pocket? Trust me, you just don't want to know!

   As handy and convenient as the magic box of kleenex is, anyone who has had kids knows how frustrating the seemingly simple tissues can be. Sniffle, pull a tissue, toss, sniffle, pull a tissue, toss, sniffle, pull a tissue, toss - repeat. Until the garbage is overflowing with hardly dampened thin paper cloths. Boxes and boxes of ever-so-slightly soiled paper filled our trash receptacles until I was finally overwhelmed. Something in me snapped.

 What does one do when you can no longer take the vast waste created by small snotty noses? 

   You have the offending child march right back to the garbage can and retrieve the ever-so-slightly used Kleenex and finish properly blowing their small wet nose!

Germs be damned! I didn't care what food was now attached to the tissue, it would not be wasted! Hey, a bit of dirt and debris builds the immune system, right?

   I guess that is not what most parents would do. In my defense, there were several children in the house at the time, creating a monumental pile of tissue waste. We could have started our own partially used kleenex factory! The other parental units in the house backed me up on this one. Maybe my method was slightly unorthodox, but like magic, our garbage was suddenly tissue free!

   

   I definitely recommend this strategy to other parents. It kills two birds with one stone. You save trees AND you give your kids something interesting to discuss with their therapist - or share on the internet with the entire world! Either way, it means you'll never have to worry about being classified as a boring parent.

After all, no one wants to be boring.

Now if I can just figure out how to get the teenage kid to turn off the lights...