Taming of the bully

   No one likes a bully. At least that is the saying. Yet bullying seems to have become an epidemic in our society. Perhaps it is nothing new, but it certainly seems to get more press these days. We have programs in our schools to address bullying, websites to report bullying and sections in our employee manuals that address the issue and how to handle it in the corporate world. There are training sessions on harassment (another form of bullying), government websites on how to address bullying and a vast array of policies in place to prevent bullying.

    But the problem persists. In a big, violent and ugly kinda way.

   I Googled images of bullying and found them to be pretty consistent. Mostly pictures of a bigger, stronger person (generally not very good looking) physically threatening a smaller weaker person. In photos I saw a lot of images of kids pointing and laughing at another kid. Some disturbing images showed fighting between two or more kids. A lot of photos and cartoons exhibited quiet kids sitting apart from the group looking sad. Some very interesting ones had kids that had received nasty texts or emails, the victim holding their heads in their hands. All are great images. I thought that victims were especially well represented.

   But I think we failed as a society on the image of the bully.

   Not too long ago, I addressed bullying in my religious education classroom. Maybe the last place that you would expect to hear about bullying. Most folks think that church and religion classes would be the last place kids would misbehave. I am afraid I have to disillusion you. Kids are kids, and they take their behaviors with them everywhere. As a volunteer instructor, I rely on many resources, from the materials provided by the church, advice I receive from professional teachers, and searches on the internet. But perhaps my greatest tools are my passion to teach the kids a relationship with God and the richness of our religion and my hot, very short temper.

   Yep, you read that last part right. I have a very short temper and I get angry. And this anger is one of my best teaching skills. It is the anger that made me not only address bullying, but take action against it. And I received insight on what a real bullies looks like. Oddly enough, they did not look anything like the images that were on posters plastered all around my daughter's school or pictures to be found on the internet.  They looked like my students.

   I had asked one of my students to read a paragraph from the chapter we were studying that week. She was soft spoken girl who often sat at the back of the class. When she began to read, one of the boys made faces at another one, others began laughing, two of the girls in the back of the class started to hold a conversation. Not sure when my reader had finished her paragraph, I stood quietly at the front of the room and watched the disorder grow. At first I tried to speak, but could not even be heard above the noise. Then I dropped my instruction book together with my bible on the floor. (Okay, I did a little more than just drop them.) The resounding crash created instant silence in the room and 16 pair of eyes were looking at me.

   My first question was to ask what was just read. No one could tell me. A few tried to tell me they could not hear over the noise. I stopped this line of conversation immediately. Next I asked if any of them had participated in anti-bullying programs at their schools. All of them had and immediately wanted to tell me all about it. I nipped this conversation in the bud by announcing that they had all failed the program. I told them take a look around the classroom, they were all bullies. That got their attention.

   I explained that a bully was someone who did not respect another person. Talking and laughing and "funny faces" were their way of saying to the person speaking or reading that they did not care enough about them to be bothered with listening and giving their attention to that person. Their message to me and to the reader was clear. What we were covering in class just was not important and not worth their time.

   I asked one of the offenders to stand up and tell me what they knew about bullying. When they started to talk, I interrupted with a song. A few started to laugh, but I stopped and shook my head. I asked the student to tell me how it felt when I interrupted him - his response was "bad." I looked at the kids who had been giggling and told them they had just helped me to bully another person by participating with their laughter, did that make them feel better? As they absorbed this, I told them that they alone had the power to stop this vicious cycle. The first step was to give respect to others around them, no matter what they looked like, how they behaved, if they knew them or if they agreed with them. And respect meant taking the time to listen, even if they were tired, had a hard day or wanted to be somewhere else.

   The second step was harder. They had to apologize and mean it. This would show that they wanted to be inclusive and would respect and love those around them. So they did. They apologized to me. But I was not the one they had bullied and I pointed that out to them. I asked them to respectfully ask for forgiveness from their classmate and IF she accepted their apology, that we would continue the lesson. I told her it was okay if she was still mad at them and did not want to accept the apology. Their behavior was unacceptable. I have to admit, it was the most sincere apology I have heard in a long time. She responded quietly to them that she forgave them. I asked my soft spoken girl if she would like to read the passage again to her classmates while they respectfully listened to her. A big grin broke out on her face and she nodded yes. Then she read the passage again.

   You could have heard her down the hall.

   Our discussions that day were rich and insightful. My soft spoken student still tends to be soft spoken. My class still tends to be noisy and there are still days when I think duct tape or rope would be useful tools in the classroom. I still have to remind them about respect and bullying and acceptable behavior. But I seem to lose my temper a little less often and I think my students have come to recognize that they are both a part of the problem and essential to the solution.