To be, or not to be, that is not the question!

   To be or not to be, that was the question that Shakespeare posed. He picked the easy question. The tough one to answer is who am I?

   I for one, am not a prince worried about succession to my throne. Nor are there ghosts roaming about on the roof telling me about foul deeds. No one wants to inherit my throne. Heck, I can't think of anyone at the moment who would like to come over to take over my mountain of laundry, jammed shredder and pile of bills. Not even sure I could make up a fictitious character who would be willing to mow the lawn, clean out the garage and then turn around and swing for a new set of tires on our KIA....

   Like most people, I used to identify myself with how I earned my living. For many years I worked as an account representative and training coordinator. If people asked me what I did for a living, that was what I answered. I summed up my personal status, my ego and my self worth in what I defined as a career. I made decent wages and for the most part, really enjoyed what I was doing. This all came crashing down when the market went sour and the office where I worked decided to relocate to Pittsburgh. Although I was offered a position if I moved to Pittsburgh, I declined as this was not a good option for my family. Pittsburgh was a nice city, but it came with hills and not as many options for my husband when he decided to re-enter the work force.

   Now I had no identity for myself - outside of being a wife and a mom. I certainly did not want to identify myself as being on unemployment. The media did a good job portraying job seekers as lazy, entitled individuals who just wanted to live off the system. As if the system could pay my bills (and we don't live extravagantly in the first place), let alone allow my family to live in the lap of luxury! And just to clarify, for those who watch a lot of media, unemployment IS an entitlement benefit. It is stated right at the top of the form - entitlement benefit. When you were working, your company was supposed to be putting aside money for this benefit in the event that they would have to lay you off for circumstances that were not of your own making. If you were laid off, you were entitled to this benefit money. That is why if you lose your job for circumstances of your own making (IE: you were fired) your company can fight any unemployment you may apply for and you cannot collect.

   On the flip side, I was not ready to identify myself as a housewife. I married my husband, not my house. We didn't even buy a house until we had been married for at least 9 years.  Someday I plan on selling my house. You can't do that with a husband. Also, the phrase conjured up images of women sitting around all day in a house robe and slippers, smoking cigarettes and watching soap operas. Again, thank you to the media for once again giving us a negative portrayal of all the women who work at home.

   So who was I? If I told people I was a writer, they immediately wanted to know what I had published. Umm, nothing yet? Most of my life there was not time to pursue this ambition, I was working for a living, remember? If I said I was a stay at home parent, I got comments about living a country club lifestyle .Anyone who pays to join a country club like this has got to be nuts!  If I said I was job seeking, I heard comments about how I had retired. Seriously? Don't retired people have some kinda income to live off of? So I resorted to telling everyone I was busy having a mid-life crisis. Just without the convertible.

   Was I nobody? I no longer fit what society felt I should be. I wasn't a productive wage earner. Where did that leave me?

   Like most Americans, I have been searching for the answer to this question. Fortunately having a mid-life crisis allows me to search odd avenues and not be questioned too closely about it. Recently I came across a quote in a blog that made me feel better about my search.

   "Maybe the fear is that we are less than we think we are, when the actuality of it is that we are much much more." Jon Kabat-Zin.

   I was a productive member of society because I - a) held a job; b) had a job title that sounded impressive; c) brought home an income. All important things and certainly useful if you want to live in a house and pay the mortgage. But I didn't stop being a productive member of society when I stopped earning an income. If anything, I became more productive. Now I teach religious education, attend bible study, help people figure out their new tablets and occasionally help someone beef up a resume. Now I am there for my daughter when she needs me to come get her from school because she is sick. Now I can listen more attentively to my husband when he comes home from work. Now I clean house, run errands, organize events and balance the household budget. Now I write and sometimes even inspire. I could have done all that when I was working, even did many of those things when I was working, but I was too busy identifying my self with my job to recognize the possibilities of who I was in total. I can only hope that others pause for a moment to realize who they are is so much more than one definition.

   I used to think people took a lot of "selfies" to make themselves important or to achieve some sort of personal stardom. This may be the case for many people trying to fit in our society's definition of who we are supposed to be. But slowly I am beginning to believe that maybe it is an important documentation of who we are at this moment in time before we move onto the next moment, when we may become something completely different. I generally avoid taking these pictures of myself as I have come to the realization that I have nothing I need to prove to the world at large, but thought I might share this current definition of me.

Me, morphing into someone without gray hair!

   Okay, perhaps I don't have the hang of "selfies" yet. But I think I am getting the hang of mid-life crisis.